


i'm falling to pieces

by icedaddy



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Sad, Slight Comfort, a bit of suicidal thoughts, he and victor just hold each other to make it through, just a very sad fic, this is basically a depression fic, yuuri is having depressing thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 22:03:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17875676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedaddy/pseuds/icedaddy
Summary: Sometimes, Yuuri thinks Victor knows because he gets lonely, too.





	i'm falling to pieces

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: Yuuri is having depressive thoughts. He's not in the best state of mind to accurately assess how other people treat him. He's not in the right state of mind and have thoughts that are probably destructive and unhealthy. Mention of wanting to vomit because of anxiety. Basically, this is a look at Yuuri's mind and his experience of having depressive episodes.

_ “Disgusting.” _

_ “Useless.”  _

_ “Better off gone.”  _

 

It’s a constant mantra in Yuuri’s mind. In his every mistake, the voice inside his head never fails to drill it in him how he’s scum, how he’s a failure in life, how undeserving he is with the opportunities laid down his feet.

In every change of pitch other people’s voices when addressing him, his mind never fails to supply him with thoughts on how he’s such a burden to everyone in his life. He insisted on pursuing a career more than what his family can afford, risking whatever little they have on a sport that doesn’t really pay the bills as much as it costs unless you’ve broken at least 3 ligaments in pushing yourself to be worthy of sponsorships. He has these mental disorders requiring expensive medications on top of it all, as if the cost of skating wasn’t enough to put their family on the verge of bankruptcy.

 

Sometimes, he thinks about quitting skating. He could just stay in Hasetsu and help with the onsen, or he could just put his college degree to use and be a literature teacher in a quiet high school. That would take a lot of burden from his parents’ bank account.

Sometimes, he thinks it was a bad idea to seek help for his mental health problems. Maybe he could have survived just bearing with it. Maybe he should have just endured living an unfulfilling life constantly riddled with his anxiety. Maybe then, they wouldn't have to spend so much on medication just to fix his fucked up mind.

 

He’s getting tired of everything. It’s not even painful or sad anymore. Everything’s just so tiring and Yuuri is just so done. He’s tired of fighting his own mind. He’s tired of trying to make the best out of his life despite everything. He just wants peace. He just wants a clear, quiet mind, even without attaining happiness.

 

He feels so sorry for the people in his life; that they had to endure dealing with him. It must be so tiring for his parents to fund for a kid with no clear future. It must be so tiring for Mari to carry all of the burden of helping and caring for their parents. It must be so tiring for Yuuko and Takeshi to keep up with his whims of freeloading in the Ice Castle every night, expending the resources without paying a single penny. It must be so exhausting for Phichit to listen to him talk over and over about how his life is so bleak and he doesn’t think he’ll ever reach the end of the tunnel. 

It must be so frustrating for Victor to have put his career on hold for a good-for-nothing skater.

 

Yuuri feels sick, like he might throw up anytime. Involuntary tears flow from his eyes as he curls up in bed thinking how much it would be better for everyone for him to be gone. He tries not to let his thoughts stray too far, tries to get hold of that little string of strength left in him to not just give it all up.

But Yuuri doesn’t know how long this could still go on. He feels himself slipping, like his legs and heart and lungs could give up on his anytime soon. It’s like his days are being limited; he can feel his strength slipping from his grasp. He really doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore. 

He tries not to let things show to anyone. He tries his best to appear fine, to just bear with everything until he’s alone in his room at night. He doesn’t want to be more of a burden than he already is.

Sometimes, he knows he fools them. Sometimes, they don’t think twice of the forced smiles he offers and the forced energy he has to exert in order to still be a functional adult. They don’t know how much will it takes him to get out of bed in the morning; that he intentionally wakes up an hour earlier than he has to just so he would have time to convince himself to get out of bed. They don’t know how much he needed to practice his smiles, train himself so that his facade would not slip in front of other people, and how in worst days he often needs to hurry and hide where no one can see him just so he could let the tears stinging his eyes flow.

Sometimes, though, his will is weak enough that people notice the dark bags and the smile that does not reach his eyes. In these days, he’s just too tired to keep up. He often locks himself on his room pretending to be busy when he knows he can’t smile for more than a minute.

Victor is being too close lately, though. Too close that he notices things even when Yuuri is at his best facade of a smile. He notices the dullness in his eyes even as Yuuri tries his best to expend all the energy in his bones to function and appear fine. However, he doesn’t say anything despite noticing. He just sends Yuuri touches meant to comfort, and, if given the opportunity, hug him tightly as if it could glue all of Yuuri’s broken pieces together.

 

Victor never fails to notice the worst days, and when he does, he automatically cancels practice and take care of Yuuri like he’s sick with the flu. He accompanies Yuuri all day, bringing their food to his room and watching shows about aliens and mean high school girls and vampires and people with dementia. He brings the warmest blanket he could find and just lies down beside him and cuddle. He strokes Yuuri’s hair and rub circles on his back and sometimes Yuuri silently cries, and Victor just hugs him tighter and kisses his forehead. All without saying a word.

Somehow, he always knows what Yuuri needs.

Sometimes, Yuuri thinks Victor knows because he gets lonely, too. 

Yuuri guesses that is the reason why he feels more connected with Victor than with anybody else in his life. He feels like Victor is the only one close to even understanding a bit of what he is feeling. He has the most supportive family and friends, but none of them really get the ache in his chest and the gaping hole in his life and how it’s slowly eating him inside. But somehow, he feels like Victor understands.

 

Yuuri doesn’t think and doesn’t expect Victor to fix him, no, because he knows the only one who could fix him is himself. And he’s not cruel to depend his well-being on a man probably as broken as he is. 

But maybe, just maybe, being with someone as broken, they would be able to help each other patch up holes they can’t reach. Maybe, with each other, they could slowly work towards getting better. They couldn’t fix each other, but maybe they could wipe each other’s tears and hold the parts of their broken hearts together. Maybe, just maybe, being with each other could at least make things a little more bearable.

**Author's Note:**

> This was all inspired by my own thoughts. This is my own experience, and does not in any way tell about the general experience of people who have depression. This is how I feel often, probably almost every single day for the last two years. I recently went on my first psychiatric evaluation and had an initial diagnosis of persistent depressive disorder (although it's not final yet as I still have to have three more sessions). It's been worse the last month and I feel like I'm about to collapse with these thoughts, and I had no one to talk to. No one that would listen and understand me, so I just chose to unload things on a fanfic. Sorry for making Yuuri so depressed.


End file.
